he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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