You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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