he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
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