I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize