I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
