The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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