And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
