Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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