just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
