he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
