Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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