I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize