I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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