I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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