Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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