She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
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