she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
