You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
