I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize