Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
