Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
