Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
