cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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