I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
