I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
