her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
