That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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