think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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