Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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