your parents love me but you hate me
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
