So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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