I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
