You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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