So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
