This girl is more easily done than said...
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
