I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
