The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
