I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize