Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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