What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
i would one night stand the shit outta him
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Randomize
