My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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