You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
