Have you finally orgasmed yet?
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
