I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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