I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
