it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
