my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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