i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
