My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
