Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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