Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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