you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
