I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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