she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
