I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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